Dealing with big feelings in young children is one of the most demanding aspects of early years care. It is when children are at their most emotionally distressed, furious, frustrated, fearful, over-excited or otherwise out of control that adults feel most conflicted. They usually want the behaviour to stop as soon as possible – especially if there is an audience - but are unsure how to do this while still showing love and care to the child. This can lead to feelings of incompetence. Just about every parent/carer has felt the same way at some point. It is one of the most challenging things about being an adult in charge of a child.
The Neuroscience of a Meltdown
Firstly, it’s useful to know what is happening in the child’s brain and how this aligns with their development. You cannot reason with a two-year-old because they are simply not capable of doing this – their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that is logical and controls impulse, is still not fully formed – and won’t be for a while yet. The part of the brain that is responsible for all that emotion is the limbic system, and within that is a little organ called the amygdala. This is primed for potential threat – it is the body’s alarm system. As soon as the amygdala perceives a threat, it fires on all cylinders, sending messages to the rest of the body to fight, flee or freeze. It is very powerful and very fast. It is not just a threat to physical safety that triggers the amygdala, but also to the child’s developing sense of self. This might include being told ‘no’ or being removed from something they are doing or not being able to sit next to their friend. This is sometimes called an ‘amygdala hijack’. You have all been there! Some commentators point out the difference between a tantrum, which is goal-directed and a meltdown, where the child is emotionally overwhelmed but since one can lead to the other and adult responses are very similar, we will not discriminate here.
Issues of Development
During the early years, children’s behaviour is driven by their emotions but also influenced by their experiences and relationships. They will be more threatened by something that triggers a negative emotional memory, but also more able to be comforted by someone who has established a warm relationship with them. It’s worth remembering that, however verbally articulate a young child might be or physically well developed, they do not have the brain power to be rational until at least school age. They are also impulsive for the same reasons – they are unable to think ahead. Spending a lot of effort explaining to a child having a meltdown why their behaviour is unacceptable is not going to get very far. It’s not that children don’t care about what they are told; it’s that they do not have the capacity to be any different. Some children are naturally more placid and easy-going, while others get outraged by the smallest thing. Most get there eventually, but some need more help.
So, What Do You Do?
Plan Ahead
Some children get ‘hangry’ when they need to eat, others get beside themselves when they are tired, and some react badly to over-stimulation. Being too hot, too cold or feeling ill can also lead to a rise in emotional temperature. Knowing children well and tuning into signals of discomfort will help to avoid these triggers.
Dealing with Big Feelings During a Meltdown
When a meltdown is happening, avoid increasing the level of threat. Keep your voice low, speak slowly and clearly and stay back – shouting or thrusting a face or fingers at a child will make things worse. Talking about consequences doesn’t help either.
Stay Calm and Co-Regulate
Although it’s easier said than done, the role of the adult in this situation is to provide a model of emotional regulation. They need to behave in the way they want the child to copy. This might include showing them how to breathe regularly. Although language needs to be kept to a minimum, acknowledging that the child is having some big feelings is validating and helps them identify what is happening. You might offer a reason for why they have these big feelings but be prepared for denial! The aim is not to stop the behaviour occurring but to increase the child’s ability to get back to a calm space. Repeating “it’s OK, you’re OK” will also help. Co-regulation is more successful when the adult has a history of a warm, caring relationship with the child.
If other children are at risk, you need to either gently move the child to a safe place or move the other children. When a child has begun to calm down, it is possible to offer a distraction – something that will grab their attention and give them an alternative to focus on.
Afterwards: Helping Children Understand Their Big Feelings
What happens when the child has returned to a place of calm is much more important than people often realise. Being emotionally distressed is debilitating – so in the first instance, children need to be comforted and reassured that they are wanted and loved, even though their behaviour is not. Although toddlers are too young, a conversation an hour or so later with an older child can also be valuable. This is where the learning takes place and, over time, will help the child understand how to manage their big feelings. Ask the child if they know that people here care very much about them. Then ask if they understand that their behaviour was upsetting for everyone. It doesn’t matter if they respond or not; you are making the links for them. You might ask them to say what they might have done instead, and if they don’t know, give some suggestions. You could refer to stories and books about feelings that they are already familiar with.
Supporting Yourself When Dealing with Big Feelings
Adults dealing with big emotions in children need to have support from others and look after themselves so that they too can stay calm in a crisis.
Give your team the confidence to stay calm in the hardest moments. Understanding the neuroscience of meltdowns and the role of co-regulation is core early years practice. The Level 3 Early Years Educator course builds this knowledge and confidence. See all our courses or speak to us on 0800 002 9242.
A question for our readers: We all have moments when staying calm during a meltdown feels impossible. What is your go-to strategy for keeping your own emotional temperature down so you can co-regulate with a child? Pop your tips in the comments below.
Discover more: Dr. Sue Roffey
Other Articles:
Managing Challenging Behaviour – Part One
A.S.P.I.R.E For Well-Being And Healthy Child Development
Emotions - help-for-early-years-providers
