Misread as Rude: Why Autistic Children Need Compassion, Not Correction

Supporting autistic children well starts with understanding their communication on its own terms, rather than correcting it to match a script that was never designed with them in mind.

In each of this series of 12 articles, Dr Jo Grace shares an autistic trait with us, showing how early research pathologised difference as a problem and then giving us insight into more contemporary work in which difference is viewed as neutral, and problems are solved through understanding and collaboration.

Magic word illustration from My Mummy is Autistic by Heath Grace

Illustration of a father reminding his child to say please showing a neurodiverse family supporting autistic children with different communication styles

Illustration of Daddy reminding me to say please, from My Daddy is Not Autistic, by Elias Grace

Understanding Autism Through a Child’s Perspective

In 2020 I became the UK’s most obnoxiously proud mummy when my son became the UK’s youngest published author with his book: My Mummy is Autistic. He wrote it as he turned five, illustrating it with the vibrant felt-tip pen drawings that only children are capable of.

Along with everything else that happened that year, I had a baby…that baby has just turned five and his book: My Daddy is Not Autistic came out in March 2026. It is not mandatory for sons of mine to write books by their fifth birthdays, but circumstances conspired and we find ourselves in this situation!

This is the tenth article in a series of twelve interconnected articles that all explore autistic experience through the eyes of a child. Both of my boys note in their own way in their books that “Mummy is not great at saying please”.

It is unsurprising really when you consider they both wrote their books at an age where expectations that you say please are really hotting up. My not saying please, or forgetting to say please, can easily be read as rude. But is it so simple?

In the olden days of autism research, researchers identified differences between autistic and nonautistic people and then described these differences as problems related to being autistic. The person on one side of the difference was right, the other wrong.

Contemporary research is less quick to judge; after all, we now operate in a society that is better at understanding that people can be different without one being right and one being wrong and we are taught to respect diversity more so than we were before. Researchers such as Baron-Cohen (1995) cited differences in using words like “please” and “thank you” as a lack of empathy or social awareness.

Autistic people often use direct communication; not scripted politeness - but doing these things does not mean you do not care about others.

Why Autistic Honesty Can Be Misinterpreted

My son and I encountered the phenomenon of the directness of autistic communication appearing careless or rude when he first asked to write his book. We communicate across a neurodivide (the translation effort involved in this was something discussed in last month’s article).

He had been bringing home ‘books’ from Grandma’s house that he had made himself. Pieces of A4 paper folded in half and stappled together by Grandma, upon which he had drawn pictures and scribbled text. I would “read” these books, with help from him, and they’d be displayed on the fridge before being placed in their final resting place: the recycling bin.

One day he asked me: “Mummy, when is my book going to be on the shelf like my brother’s?”

“Your book is not going on the shelf”, I told him, “It’s going in the recycling bin”.

I spoke the truth, but he was hurt by the sudden realisation that he was not, as he had thought, following in his big brother’s footsteps and publishing a book. (It was this conversation that his book: My Daddy is Not Autistic, sprang from, and also this conversation in which I realised the effect of growing up in a household where your older brother is the UKs youngest published author!)

Contemporary researchers, for example, Williams et al (2021) reflect this experience in their work, observing that autistic people’s communication often reflects different pragmatic norms and is not indicative of rudeness. They recognise breakdown in communication to be intersubjective (between people), not the responsibility of one party over the other.

So, was I being mean to my son when I answered so bluntly? Or was I simply being honest? Does my not saying please automatically indicate a lack of social care for the person to whom I am making my request?

Likewise, does my lack of a “thank you” indicate a lack of gratitude? Or is it possible that I both care about the people I make requests from and am grateful, despite not performing gratitude verbally?

Why Politeness Words Don’t Always Reflect True Feelings

Words like “please” and “thank you” are social signals; they are not the ‘thing’ itself. A person might not feel grateful at all and yet still say “thank you”, misusing the signal. And a person might feel very grateful indeed but not remember to say thank you.

Mistaking the signal for the meaning is a common mistake of language users.

Cultural Differences in Communication Styles and Autism

These social scripts are cultural creations, not moral truths. I have often been in conversation with autistic friends who have had experience of the cultural landscape of other countries. I lived in Germany for two years and sometimes joke that I was less autistic when I was out there.

Of course, I was as autistic as I am now, but I met fewer communication barriers because, socially, German people tend to be more direct in their communication than English people - who are famously obtuse in their communication style - and because I was communicating across a language barrier, people never assumed I understood and always took care to check that their communication had landed.

When we respect different communication styles, and do not automatically pathologise or demonise one side of a communication breakdown, we can ALL communicate more effectively.

Teaching Children to Respect Different Communication Styles

You can continue to try to teach the autistic child to say “please” and “thank you”, in accordance with the social landscape - as my children continue to remind me to do the same, but as you do this, try to also teach the nonautistic child that some people communicate in direct and factual ways and do so to be clear in their communication, not to hurt or offend.

In this way, you bridge the communication divide from both sides.

Supporting Autistic Children in Your Setting

The NHS offers accessible guidance on recognising and supporting autism, which sits alongside the kind of relational, compassionate approach explored above. Our childcare training programmes cover SEND and inclusive practice for practitioners at every level.

If you would like to find out how we can support your team, get in touch today. We would love to help.

Join the conversation: have you noticed a child in your care communicate directly, in a way that could easily be misread as rude? How did you respond, and what helped? Share your experiences in the comments below.

You can read the rest of Dr Jo Grace's series on the Parenta blog.

References

Baron-Cohen, S. (1995). Mindblindness: An Essay on Autism and Theory of Mind. MIT Press
Grace, E and Grace, J (2026) My Daddy is Not Autistic. Routledge
Grace, H and Grace, J. (2020) My Mummy is Autistic. Routledge
Williams, G. L., Wharton, T., and Jagoe, C. (2021) Mutual (mis)understanding: Reframing autistic pragmatic “impairments@ using relevance theory. Frontiers in Psychology, 12.