The Truth About Autistic Children and “Rude” Behaviour

by Parenta | Sep 19, 2026 | Guest Authors

Misread as Rude: Why Autistic Children Need Compassion, Not Correction

Supporting autistic children well starts with understanding their communication on its own terms, rather than correcting it to match a script that was never designed with them in mind.

In each of this series of 12 articles, Dr Jo Grace shares an autistic trait with us, showing how early research pathologised difference as a problem and then giving us insight into more contemporary work in which difference is viewed as neutral, and problems are solved through understanding and collaboration.

Magic word illustration from My Mummy is Autistic by Heath Grace

Illustration of a father reminding his child to say please, showing a neurodiverse family supporting autistic children with different communication styles

Illustration of Daddy reminding me to say please, from My Daddy is Not Autistic, by Elias Grace

Understanding Autism Through a Child’s Perspective

In 2020 I became the UK’s most obnoxiously proud mummy when my son became the UK’s youngest published author with his book: My Mummy is Autistic. He wrote it as he turned five, illustrating it with the vibrant felt-tip pen drawings that only children are capable of.

Along with everything else that happened that year, I had a baby…that baby has just turned five and his book: My Daddy is Not Autistic came out in March 2026. It is not mandatory for sons of mine to write books by their fifth birthdays, but circumstances conspired and we find ourselves in this situation!

This is the tenth article in a series of twelve interconnected articles that all explore autistic experience through the eyes of a child. Both of my boys note in their own way in their books that “Mummy is not great at saying please”.

It is unsurprising really when you consider they both wrote their books at an age where expectations that you say please are really hotting up. My not saying please, or forgetting to say please, can easily be read as rude. But is it so simple?

In the olden days of autism research, researchers identified differences between autistic and nonautistic people and then described these differences as problems related to being autistic. The person on one side of the difference was right, the other wrong.

Contemporary research is less quick to judge; after all, we now operate in a society that is better at understanding that people can be different without one being right and one being wrong and we are taught to respect diversity more so than we were before. Researchers such as Baron-Cohen (1995) cited differences in using words like “please” and “thank you” as a lack of empathy or social awareness.

Autistic people often use direct communication; not scripted politeness - but doing these things does not mean you do not care about others.

Why Autistic Honesty Can Be Misinterpreted

My son and I encountered the phenomenon of the directness of autistic communication appearing careless or rude when he first asked to write his book. We communicate across a neurodivide (the translation effort involved in this was something discussed in last month’s article).

He had been bringing home ‘books’ from Grandma’s house that he had made himself. Pieces of A4 paper folded in half and stappled together by Grandma, upon which he had drawn pictures and scribbled text. I would “read” these books, with help from him, and they’d be displayed on the fridge before being placed in their final resting place: the recycling bin.

One day he asked me: “Mummy, when is my book going to be on the shelf like my brother’s?”

“Your book is not going on the shelf”, I told him, “It’s going in the recycling bin”.

I spoke the truth, but he was hurt by the sudden realisation that he was not, as he had thought, following in his big brother’s footsteps and publishing a book. (It was this conversation that his book: My Daddy is Not Autistic, sprang from, and also this conversation in which I realised the effect of growing up in a household where your older brother is the UKs youngest published author!)

Contemporary researchers, for example, Williams et al (2021) reflect this experience in their work, observing that autistic people’s communication often reflects different pragmatic norms and is not indicative of rudeness. They recognise breakdown in communication to be intersubjective (between people), not the responsibility of one party over the other.

So, was I being mean to my son when I answered so bluntly? Or was I simply being honest? Does my not saying please automatically indicate a lack of social care for the person to whom I am making my request?

Likewise, does my lack of a “thank you” indicate a lack of gratitude? Or is it possible that I both care about the people I make requests from and am grateful, despite not performing gratitude verbally?

Why Politeness Words Don’t Always Reflect True Feelings

Words like “please” and “thank you” are social signals; they are not the ‘thing’ itself. A person might not feel grateful at all and yet still say “thank you”, misusing the signal. And a person might feel very grateful indeed but not remember to say thank you.

Mistaking the signal for the meaning is a common mistake of language users.

Cultural Differences in Communication Styles and Autism

These social scripts are cultural creations, not moral truths. I have often been in conversation with autistic friends who have had experience of the cultural landscape of other countries. I lived in Germany for two years and sometimes joke that I was less autistic when I was out there.

Of course, I was as autistic as I am now, but I met fewer communication barriers because, socially, German people tend to be more direct in their communication than English people - who are famously obtuse in their communication style - and because I was communicating across a language barrier, people never assumed I understood and always took care to check that their communication had landed.

When we respect different communication styles, and do not automatically pathologise or demonise one side of a communication breakdown, we can ALL communicate more effectively.

Teaching Children to Respect Different Communication Styles

You can continue to try to teach the autistic child to say “please” and “thank you”, in accordance with the social landscape - as my children continue to remind me to do the same, but as you do this, try to also teach the nonautistic child that some people communicate in direct and factual ways and do so to be clear in their communication, not to hurt or offend.

In this way, you bridge the communication divide from both sides.

Supporting Autistic Children in Your Setting

The NHS offers accessible guidance on recognising and supporting autism, which sits alongside the kind of relational, compassionate approach explored above. Our childcare training programmes cover SEND and inclusive practice for practitioners at every level.

If you would like to find out how we can support your team, get in touch today. We would love to help.

Join the conversation: have you noticed a child in your care communicate directly, in a way that could easily be misread as rude? How did you respond, and what helped? Share your experiences in the comments below.

You can read the rest of Dr Jo Grace's series on the Parenta blog.

References

Baron-Cohen, S. (1995). Mindblindness: An Essay on Autism and Theory of Mind. MIT Press
Grace, E and Grace, J (2026) My Daddy is Not Autistic. Routledge
Grace, H and Grace, J. (2020) My Mummy is Autistic. Routledge
Williams, G. L., Wharton, T., and Jagoe, C. (2021) Mutual (mis)understanding: Reframing autistic pragmatic “impairments@ using relevance theory. Frontiers in Psychology, 12.

Discover more: About Dr Joanna Grace

Other articles:
Facial Expressions & Autism: The Truth
Understanding an Autistic Child: 3 Secrets to Double Empathy
Being Autistic – what my children taught me
Language processing differences
Exploring language
How to Support Autism Communication with Complete Clarity

How to Support Autism Communication with Complete Clarity

by Parenta | Aug 14, 2026 | Guest Authors

In each of this series of 12 articles Dr Jo Grace shares an autistic trait with us, showing how early research pathologised difference as a problem and then giving us insight into more contemporary work in which difference is viewed as neutral and problems are solved through understanding and collaboration.

Autism Communication Explained

Illustration of telling Mummy I am hungry, from My Daddy is Not Autistic, by Elias Grace

Understanding Autism Communication Through a Child's Perspective

In 2020 I became the UK's most obnoxiously proud mummy when my son became the UK's youngest published author with his book: My Mummy is Autistic. He wrote it as he turned five, illustrating it with the vibrant felt-tip pen drawings that only children are capable of. Along with everything else that happened that year, I had a baby - that baby has just turned five and his book: My Daddy is Not Autistic came out in March 2026. It is not mandatory for sons of mine to write books by their fifth birthdays, but circumstances conspired and we find ourselves in this situation!

This is the ninth of twelve interconnected articles that explore autistic experience through the eyes of a child. You can read the other articles here. This one focuses on the benefits of direct communication. In the pictures above, my son (who had just turned five when he drew these pictures) describes his experience of me missing implied communication. In another set of pictures, he makes the same factual statement to my husband, who understands the implied request of "please can I have something to eat" hidden in this statement, and asks him what he would like.

Why Implied Meaning Causes Miscommunication in Autism

Missing implied meaning in conversations, not understanding metaphor, irony or indirect speech were all framed as part of the communication problems caused by being autistic by early autism researchers such as Happé (1993). In the early days of autism research, differences were identified and then immediately understood as problems.

Real-Life Examples of Autism Communication Breakdowns

As an autistic person, I find it somewhat offensive to be told that the communication difficulties I, and my neurokin face are automatically my/our fault. I'll give you a few examples from my own life. My eldest son is autistic; he was told by his head of year during an induction assembly to secondary school that drinking was not allowed. He understood this to mean that he was not allowed to drink. I would argue that is a fair enough understanding. What was meant by the teacher was that he was not allowed to drink in assembly but was allowed to drink once assembly was over. Are we sure this is a problem with my son's brain?

I wrote in The Subtle Spectrum, and later in Midwifery Today and All 4 Maternity, about how a miscommunication with medical professionals threatened my life. I was told "Bleeding is normal" and so did not alert the professionals who visited me to my ongoing bleeding post-partum. There had been no specification: this much blood loss is normal, but if it is this much you should tell us. Again, are we sure it was MY communication that was at fault there?

Why Communication Across Neurotypes Requires Shared Effort

It's common where there is prejudice to find those who suffer from the prejudice of others being blamed for their experience. Contemporary researchers such as Crompton et al (2020) argue that these kinds of misunderstandings are the responsibility of both communication partners to bridge. After all, communication is a two-way process. We recognise this when we speak to someone who uses a different language to us. Communication across a neurodivide requires a similar effort of translation, and parties on both sides should be aware of the need for that effort. This idea - known as the double empathy problem - reframes communication difficulties as a two-way gap rather than a one-sided deficit.

Practical Tips for Clear Communication with Autistic People

To make things easy when communicating with autistic people, try to use direct speech; indirect speech is cognitively inefficient. Be accurate and precise. I appreciate this can be difficult to do, and I kick myself when I tell my autistic son "I will just be five minutes", and then EXACTLY five minutes later he expects my presence. "But you said you would be five minutes!" He protests, and he's right; I did say that. If I wanted to be an indeterminate amount of time, I should not have used a specific.

My husband values my directness: "with other girlfriends, I was always guessing what they were thinking; you just tell me, it's simple, much more relaxing". Autistic people value not having to make social guesses; instead of implying what you mean, simply say what you mean. It might feel blunt to you, but it can be a relief to your communication partner.

When misunderstandings happen between people of different social communication styles, it is because the difference between people has not been appreciated, not because one person is broken or wrong. Considering a person's neurotype as you talk to them is a way to bridge potential communication divides. Writing his book helped Elias and me to bridge some of the common misunderstandings we encounter between us. He is now far more likely to request a particular snack than just inform me of his hunger!

Over to You

A few questions worth reflecting on - share your answers with us in the comments below:

Have you noticed a time when implied meaning caused a misunderstanding with an autistic child or colleague?
How could your setting build more direct, literal communication into everyday routines?
What would change if every miscommunication was treated as a two-way gap to bridge, rather than one person's fault?

More From This Series

This is the ninth article in Dr Jo Grace’s 12-part series exploring autistic experience through the eyes of a child. Catch up with the rest of the series so far:

Building Autism Confidence in Your Setting

If you'd like more practical guidance on supporting autistic children and building confidence around autism communication in your setting, explore our free Handy Guides for early years professionals.

References

Crompton, C. J., DeBrabander, K., Heasman, B., Milton, D., and Sasson, N. (2020). Double Empathy: Why Autistic People are Often Misunderstood. Frontiers for Young Minds. 9
Grace, E and Grace, J (2026) My Daddy is Not Autistic. Routledge
Grace, H and Grace, J. (2020) My Mummy is Autistic. Routledge
Grace (2020) The Subtle Spectrum. Routledge
Happé, F. (1993). Communicative competence and theory of mind in autism: a test of relevance theory. Cognition. 48(2) 101-119

Discover more: About Dr Joanna Grace

The benefits of animals for children’s development

by Parenta | Apr 1, 2020 | Parent Advice Feed, Running a Setting

There’s no doubt that the UK is a nation of animal lovers! You only have to look around at the number of us who co-habit with pets of every shape and size, the predominance of pet shops, and the amount we spend on our pets each year, which currently runs into the tens of billions of pounds. Pets are big business, but we rarely count their worth in money. In fact, most of us have admitted we would rather reduce spending on ourselves than our pets, because our pets can melt the heart of even the toughest cynic, remind us of our humanity, our unity and our underlying need for unconditional love.

Perceived benefits

Animals have anecdotally been reported as being of benefit to children by parents, teachers and childcare professionals for a number of years. Some of the benefits reported include:

Improving confidence and learning about unconditional love

– pets do not judge children with any moral compass; they simply give love and affection regardless of the child’s mood or recent behaviour (provided no negative behaviour has been directed towards the animal). Children often find animals comforting if they are feeling sad or low as the pet is always there to ‘listen to’ and ‘accept’ problems, when adults may not be.

Teaching empathy and respect

– animals need to be treated with love, empathy and respect, just like humans. And whilst they may enjoy a cuddle sometimes, at others, they may need space, feeding, grooming or walking. Children can learn to be empathetic to the needs of the animal and to recognise these needs without using words. This is an excellent skill to have in dealing with humans who may not be able to express emotions too well themselves.

Understanding the circle of life

– watching a pet be born, grow up, reproduce and eventually die, helps children learn about life and death. It may be a difficult lesson for most, but it is an essential one, especially if dealt with in a sensitive manner by the adults around them. It may be a cat or dog, hamster, fish or worm; the process of grieving and learning that ‘life goes on’ and memories will remain, is one that we all need to learn at some point.

Learning to appreciate nature and the natural world

– by observing animals, children can get an understanding and develop an appreciation for the natural world around them. They can observe different animal lifecycles and learn about reproduction by watching a caterpillar turn into a butterfly or seeing the lambs being born at a local farm. With the right encouragement, it can also lead to an interest in the natural world and an appreciation for all forms of life on earth.

Teaching responsibility

– although most animal species have been around on the planet a lot longer than humans, and as such, are very self-sufficient, the ones we have spent time domesticating, or those we keep in captivity, need our help to survive. This means they need feeding, cleaning out and exercising regularly, depending on the animal. This is a great way to teach children about looking after others and although no pet should be the sole responsibility of a child, they can learn to take on certain responsibilities (such as feeding or refilling water bottles) with the aid of a supervising adult.

Helping with communication

– we might not all be Dr Doolittle, but animals can still be useful in helping children communicate. Dogs are currently used in schools to help boost the confidence of children learning to read. The children read aloud to a dog, who listens without judgement and the children learn to feel calmer whilst reading. The very presence of animals can help children to start to speak as they learn to communicate with another living being.

Scientifically-researched benefits

As well as anecdotal reports, there have also been a number of scientific studies confirming some measurable benefits in children. Pets have been shown to(1,2):

help lower blood pressure
reduce stress and anxiety
make recovery times shorter
improve social interactions
improve self-worth
reduce loneliness and depression

In children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), researchers found the children demonstrated more social behaviours and received more social approaches from their peers when animals were present, compared to when toys were present.3

What you need to consider

Bringing animals into your setting either as pets or with occasional visitors can have many benefits, but also requires careful planning and the safety of all children and adults is paramount. Therefore, before you consider bringing animals in, ensure that you have thought everything through, have the approval of parents, staff and governors and have suitable policies, risk-assessments and insurances in place. Remember to consider any allergies that children and staff may have, costs such as food costs or vet bills, and if bringing in a class pet such as a fish or hamster, determine who is going to look after it during the weekends and holidays.

Ways to introduce more animals into setting

Here are some ways you can introduce more animals, without breaking the bank.

Visit a local farm or petting zoo – this can be an easy way to get children to pet animals and discover more about the natural world
Incubate some fertilised chicken eggs and raise some chicks
Order a butterfly nursery and teach the children about their lifecycle
Set up a fish tank – this can offer sensory and visual stimulation too
Introduce some rabbits and/or guinea pigs but ensure they can be properly looked after
Start a worm farm – another great way to introduce children to natural science
Feed the birds/local wildlife – set up some feeding/watering stations to welcome some British wildlife to your garden
Go on a bug or mini-beast hunt – you can do this in your outside space or at a local park

However you choose to introduce more animal interactions in your setting, we’d love to hear from you and see your pictures. Please email us at marketing@parenta.com.

References

1.https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/3236382

2. https://habri.org/research/child-health-development/

3. https://www.relias.com/blog/animal-assisted-therapy-for-autism

Learning & How to Involve Parents

by Parenta | Apr 1, 2020 | Running a Setting

How to Involve Parents with Children’s Learning

Learning in today’s modern society, when parents are often working full-time (and subsequently short on time!), It’s not uncommon for their children to be placed in childcare for up to 50 hours a week. More often than not, your setting is the prime provider of early years education for these children. This, of course, is in contrast to years gone by when children would mainly learn about the world - and their place in it - through conversations, play activities and routines with parents and families in a home environment.

By working in collaboration with parents, you can enhance children’s learning and development in ways that would not be possible without them. By working in collaboration with parents, you can enhance children’s development in ways that would not be possible without them. A ‘partnership approach’ of sharing information to improve the children’s learning outcomes can prove really valuable in the long term.

What are the benefits of parents and childcare practitioners working together?

It gives parents a better understanding of how you are helping to prepare their children for success in school.
Parents learn how well their children are progressing in developing the building blocks of learning.
Parents learn ways to help their children at home.
You will have a better understanding of children’s backgrounds and experiences.
Children will see that the adults in their life care about them, and their development.

When parents see you make the effort and involve them in the day-to-day education of their children, they can feel valued and respected, they become aware of their children’s experiences outside the family home and can then use this information to support their development more effectively by reinforcing these experiences at home.

It works both ways too: practitioners can benefit from parents’ skills and expertise, they can gain a better understanding of the children in their setting and use this information to make learning more enjoyable and rewarding for all children. After all, the parents are the experts on their own children and so their feedback is invaluable!

With increasing emphasis on, and changes to EYFS, parents care more than ever about the education path of their child and we know they want to engage.

But how?

Learning Collaboration

When you engage with parents, you automatically build a stronger “practitioner-family” partnership. This, in turn, leads to a better understanding of the child, increased feedback from parents on how things are going and ultimately, a happier and more successful experience for the child.

You could suggest new ways that parents can get involved and support their child’s learning at home, for example: when they are reading a bedtime story, they can ask their child to make predictions about what will happen next. This will help strengthen the child’s reading comprehension and reinforce their reading ability.

Communication is key!

Keep parents up-to-date as much as possible with what’s going on in your setting and what events or other activities are coming up. If you produce a newsletter, you could suggest conversation topics so parents can ask their children about what they’re learning and then this can continue at home, after the event. Even if you only produce a short newsletter, it’s really important to thank parents for all the ways they’re currently helping your setting and how this is impacting on the lives of the children.

Learning Top Tip

A good way to engage parents and make them part of your extended team is to make your passion shine through – enthusiasm is contagious and parents will want to continue their child’s learning at home if they see how engaged you are!

Cutting through the barriers

Busy lives, financial worries, language barriers and time pressures are just some of the obstacles practitioners can be faced with which hinder the development of an open, honest and trusting relationship with parents. However, parents really do want to hear from you… they do want to get involved with their children’s learning outside your setting.

Say “cheese”!

A great way to communicate a child’s journey with their parents and carers is by sending updates that bring the learning to life. What parent wouldn’t love an update from you that includes a picture that catches their child in the act of learning something? If parents understand and are excited by the value of an activity, they are more likely to continue at home and also provide feedback that you can use for future staff training.

Engage and educate with family learning

Here are a few examples of family learning which can easily be started in the childcare setting and then continued and extended at home:

Family history and culture sharing Demonstrating what a ‘family tree’ is can encourage the children to talk about where they come from – they can work at home to make their own family tree and share it with the others at their childcare setting.
Extended storytime During storytime, they can learn about different cultures and then discuss at home and bring something in which relates to their particular surroundings – e.g. a pebble from the beach where they live, or a leaf from a walk in the woods, or something that symbolises their particular culture.
Counting the pennies Playing ‘shop keepers’ at nursery can easily be put into practice while out shopping with family. Counting coins and pointing out groceries is an excellent example of fun, family learning.

If you would like to find out how the team at Parenta works in partnership with thousands of settings, helping them to engage with parents, involving them with their children’s day-to-day learning, talk to us about ‘Dayshare’ – an online daily diary software. Dayshare captures all of the day’s activities and allows you to upload photos and give parents a detailed insight into their child’s day of learning through play.

Call us on 0800 002 9242 or email hello@parenta.com

How our inner child affects us

by Parenta | Apr 1, 2020 | Guest Authors

I talk a lot about early childhood programming and how a child’s consistent experiences form subconscious belief systems that then silently guide them throughout life. There’s always a big focus on how our actions as parents, practitioners and teachers impact children, but what about our own childhood programming and how that is now impacting us?

We are all walking around, looking at the world through a lens that is influenced by the internal programming we received in our formative years and in order to be the best that we can be, both personally and professionally, it is important to understand this programming and how it affects us on a daily basis.

How we consistently felt as children, the messages that were given to us by the actions and words of those around us and any major incidents that we went through will have likely created beliefs within us that now subconsciously impact our actions, reactions and decisions. If we grew up feeling valued and empowered, there’s a good chance that we will look at the world through a lens influenced by this belief and feel (more often than not) this way. However, if we grew up feeling like we weren’t good enough or unimportant, we will most likely view the world and ourselves in the same light or find ourselves in situations that reaffirm this belief.

Example

I always give the example of two people seeing a larger than life character who is dominating the room. One person might think they are inspirational and admire how they are commanding their audience. However, the other person might think they are ‘too big for their boots’ and be convinced that they were looking down their nose at them. Both people entered the same room but viewed it through a completely different lens.

This is because each and every one of us has our own set of beliefs that almost put a filter over how we see the world.

Neuroscientists have done studies showing that up to 95% of what we do is completely subconscious. This means that most of the time we are on autopilot with our subconscious mind in the driving seat. One of its main jobs is also to keep us ‘safe’. Now, safe to you and me would be to make good decisions, to react well and to surround ourselves with good people. However, ‘safe’ to our subconscious mind means keeping us in alignment with our beliefs no matter if they are good or bad. If we have a belief that we are ‘not good enough’, it is more than likely that the world around us will reflect this. We might be surrounded by critical people or feel that others look down their nose at us. Either way, what we experience will probably link to this belief in some way, shape or form because that is what we are programmed to see or feel.

Although what we experience is our truth, it is also important to realise that it is not necessarily the actual truth or the truth of others because we are all seeing the world through our own unique lens. It’s like one person saying that 5 + 5 = 10 and being adamant that they are right. However, another person argues that they are wrong because 6 + 4 = 10. Both are correct, each of them is just seeing it from a different perspective. Just because we are right does not mean

that someone else is wrong, which is why it is important to try to view the world through other people’s lenses as well as our own.

Beliefs are created over time. However, two people who experience the same circumstances might react differently to the same belief. People who were put down a lot as children might get the belief that they are not good enough. However, one person might learn that they have to do as they are told and to acquiesce in order to get by, yet another person might learn that they have to be a bully in order to be heard. In my experience, in adulthood, we either mirror the main influencers that were in our life as children, or we rebel against them.

If we grew up feeling less than we might make a vow to never make anyone else feel that way and therefore conduct ourselves with kindness at all times. However, someone else might mirror what they experienced and become forceful and brash in a subconscious attempt to be someone powerful and significant. Either way, it’s important to try to understand our inner programming and to gain an understanding of how this can impact us as a parent, practitioner or teacher.

If we have a belief that we are ‘not good enough’, it is more than likely that the world around us will reflect this.

If we felt inadequate growing up and rebelled against what we experienced making a subconscious vow to never make anyone else feel this way, we might:

Struggle to assert ourselves and set boundaries because we subconsciously don’t want to see children feeling sad
Struggle to allow children to fail because we subconsciously don’t want them to feel like they aren’t good enough
Struggle to follow through with consequences because we don’t want to make children feel bad

With or without this vow, we can still also be personally impacted by a ‘not good enough’ belief. We might:

Struggle to accept criticism of any kind because it hooks into this inner feeling of not being good enough
Have a default setting that makes us feel that people don’t like us or judge us in some way
Doubt ourselves a lot
Put ourselves down

Either way, our childhood can impact us a lot. If we are struggling with anything personally or professionally, it can help to look at what belief might be linked to the scenario and where this came from in our own childhood. Self-awareness is crucial in life and by looking inwardly at our own programming, we can not only gain a better understanding of who we are and what drives us, but also avoid any of our own negative beliefs from being passed down to the little ones that look up to us so much.

About the author:

Stacey Kelly, the creative mind behind Early Years Story Box, wears the dual hats of writer and illustrator. Her storybooks are carefully crafted to teach various life lessons whilst guiding children towards their subsequent developmental stages. Stacey's overarching goal is to extend her reach and offer support to a multitude of children through the engaging medium of storytelling.

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